So drunk its hurt
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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