he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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