I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
