your parents love me but you hate me
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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