Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
