Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
