true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
