Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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