I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
