he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
