I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
