When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
