If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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