I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
