i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
