You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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