Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
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Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
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I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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