Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
