I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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