cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
