i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
