how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
