I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
