I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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