Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
