I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
