How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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