This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
