i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I am mentally ready for anal.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
