Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
