My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
