He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
They are going to name an STD after you.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
