Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
