my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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