Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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