Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
