tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
