I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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