just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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