Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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