you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
