More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
