you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
