shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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