If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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