my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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