Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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