I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
