hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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