I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.