I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels