Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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