I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
