My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
