Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
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