i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We had to coat check the pizza.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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