Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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