My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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